Rude adult jokes
- What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
- "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
- Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
- They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
- I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
- Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
- What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
- "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
- A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
- How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
- If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
- A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
- Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
- Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
- An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
- Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
- What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
- What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
- How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
- What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
- What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
- What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!
- What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
- What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
- What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
- What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
- What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
- What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!
- Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
- A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
- What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
- A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
- What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!
- How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.
- How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole? Give the woman a shovel!
- What do women and screen doors have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
- Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
- What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
- A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?
- Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.
- There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
- For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
- How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
- A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
- A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
- Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
- A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
- A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
- As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
- Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
- Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.