Adult jokes

Adult jokes

Nothing quite beats an adult joke card, whether for a birthday, Christmas, father’s day, or you just fancy a laugh. So, whether a classic play on words, a god terrible pun, or a joke that would never set foot near the bible, we’ve got you covered. 

This article is a round-up of our very best adult joke greeting cards, ideal for any event, sure to crack a laugh, or at the very least, provide you with that all too awkward silence we all dread… worth the risk though, right?

Right. So, let’s dive into it.

Chicken Birthday Card -  £2.99

Whether for a best friend or for father’s day, the why did the chicken cross the road card is the perfect gift to crack a joke. Sure, it’s rude, but it’s damn right funny and a guaranteed laugh. Maybe just hide it from the grandparents...

• What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
• Who makes more money a cocaine dealer or a prostitute?
  A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!
• "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
• Boy in the bath with his mum.
  Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?"
  Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
  "Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."
• Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
• I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
  I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

My Face Rude Christmas Card -  £2.99

Looking for a slightly unusual, but very rude Christmas card? Look no further than this one - a damn right ugly horse paired with an even worse rude joke. However, we’d avoid giving this one to the parents, unless you’re feeling brave!

• They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
• I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
• One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
  Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
• Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
• What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
• When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
  When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

Blew A Tranny Card -  £2.99

• "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
• A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
• Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"
  Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
• How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
• If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
• My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
  "No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
• A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
• What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
  In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
• Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
• Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
• An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
• A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, "What are you doing ?"
  His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"
  Boy say, "Do her d*ggy style I want a puppy."
• Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
• What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
• What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
• Why do people say 'Grow some balls?'
  Balls are weak and sensitive.
  If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina.
  Those things can take a pounding.
• How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
• What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
• A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled."
  The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

A Right Mouthful Card -  £2.99

Got a friend that really enjoys a good rude joke? Well, if you don’t, then chances are it’s you. The right mouthful card is the perfect option for that friend, guaranteed to make them laugh, then perhaps feel a little sick afterwards. But hey, it’s only a joke, right? 

• What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
• What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!
• What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
• What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
• Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard .
  Does any one know what that is?
  "Yes," says Tommy.
  "My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."
• What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
• What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
• Two eggs boiling in a pan.
  One says, "I've got a huge crack."
  The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
• What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
• What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!
• Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
• Who's the biggest prostitute in history?
  Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
• A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
• What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
• A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
• What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!
• How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.
• What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
  The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
• I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day.
  It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in."
  So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...
• What do you do when your cat's dead?
  Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Carpenter Card -  £2.99

A new take on a timely classic, the carpenter card does not beat around the bush - straight to the point, direct, and like every guy in every bar doing their best to replicate Ryan Gosling’s role in the movie “crazy stupid love.” By the way, great movie - watch it if you haven’t already - you’re in for a treat.

• Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
  Because his wife died!
• My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
  She: "What are you doing?"
  Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
• How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
  Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
• How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
  Call and tell her about it.
• A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
  After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says,
  "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says,
  "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
• What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
  One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year!
• Want to hear a joke about my penis?
  Nevermind. It’s too long.
• What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
  They are both meat substitutes.
• What did the elephant say to the naked man?
  How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
• What do you do if your partner starts smoking?
  Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.
• Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?
  Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.

Sexist Jokes

Sexism Her Birthday Card -  £2.99

• How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole? Give the woman a shovel!
• What do women and screen doors have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
• What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
• A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?
• Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.
• There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
• For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
• How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
• A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
• A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
• Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
  Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
  Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
• A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

Archeologists Card -  £2.99

There really is no better card for father’s day, a reminder that women may always be right, but that they do dig up the past and start new arguments to make it to the finish line. A great take on a classic joke, and now many a meme, the archaeologist's rude father’s day card is best kept quiet, unless you’re looking to start another argument… maybe buy a backup card, just in case?

• A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
• As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
• Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
  A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
• Q: Is Google male or female?
  A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Very Brave Man Jokes

Like A Cat Valentines Card -  £2.99

If you’re feeling brave and you know you’re girlfriend or spouse won’t stay mad at you long enough for you not to get some action on valentines day, then hedge your bets with the rude valentines day card - sweet at first, then downright dirty and a little disturbing - just make sure the right crowd of people see it.

• How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
• What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A Battery has a positive side.
• How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
• Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
• Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let it in.
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... It's called a wedding cake.

Sex Drive Congratulations Card -  £2.99

• Why do men die before their wives?  Because they want to.
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts the sentence with "A man once told me..."

Very Brave Woman Jokes

FNAR Card -  £2.99

• What's the fastest way to a man heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
• Why shouldn't you let a man's mind wander? Because it's way too little to be out alone
• How are men like parking spaces? All the good ones are taken, and the ones left are disabled.
• What's the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball? A man will actually look for a golf ball
• What's the best way to find a truly committed man? Visit the closest mental hospital.
• What should you do if a man walks out? Shut the door and celebrate. 
• How are splinters better than men? Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
• What's the difference between a knife and an argumentative man? A knife has a point.
• Why did God create men? Because he couldn't figure out how to make a vibrator that could mow the lawn.
• What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.

We also have plenty of other rude adult joke greeting cards for all occasions, whether Valentine, father’s day, Christmas, birthdays or anything in-between - we’ve got a card for you. Be sure to take a look at our full collection, just promise us you won’t get too offended.